Whewww… listen. I don’t know about you, but trying to navigate the topsy-turvy, mood-swingy, hot-and-cold chaos of Ms. Peri (yes, I’ve personified her) has been a real-life trip. And not a girls’ trip either—more like a road trip through the desert with no GPS, no snacks, and the AC broke halfway. Now, according to my Instagram PhD, there are over 101 symptoms of perimenopause—and not just the “hot flashes and bye-bye period” ones either. Nah, sis. We’re talking random ringing in your ears, insomnia at 3:00 a.m. like you owe someone spiritual child support, full-body itching, and moods that change like Beyoncé outfit sets on tour. My mama? She only told me about hot flashes. Bless her. But thanks to the real MVPs—women online who are openly done giving a damn and sharing the raw, unfiltered truth—I’ve realized this chapter of womanhood isn’t just about the body changing. It’s a return. A reckoning. A real-life, back-to-your-authentic-self glow-up. Whether we like it or not.
My Peri Prelude
Looking back, I now know my menopause journey officially clocked in around 40. But at the time? I didn’t have a clue. I was in a relationship that was starting to crack around the edges, my son was morphing into a full-blown teenager with the attitude to match, and I had stepped into priesthood in the Lucumi tradition—one of the deepest spiritual commitments of my life. My period? Still showing up like it paid rent. But mentally, emotionally, and spiritually—I was shifting. Deeply. Like earthquake shifting. I began questioning everything: my childhood beliefs, my faith, my identity. I felt too much and nothing at all. Suicidal ideation would knock, gently but persistently. Depression wrapped itself around my ankles like an old lover I couldn’t shake. Nobody knew. I kept showing up, smiling, achieving, pleasing—while secretly falling apart.
Fast Forward Five Years…
The woman writing this today? She’s 180 degrees from who she was. I felt the tectonic plate shift in 2023, and I’ve been molting and morphing ever since. Still wet with discovery, still learning to stand firm. But finally, FINALLY, I feel like I’m coming home to myself. And in that homecoming, I’ve built some pillars—ten of them—that are helping me manage the madness and magic of this new terrain. Consider these my “grown woman survival kit.”
- Sleep Like Your Life Depends On It (Because It Does): In this stage of life, good sleep comes at a premium. Evening primrose, black cohosh, ashwagandha, D3 drops, and melatonin supplements have become frequent intakes in my diet. When I feel that sleep is needed, even if that means I am a little late for work, I will take the opportunity to sleep in. Once upon a time I wouldn’t take a nap if you paid me, now, tuh, but now if I can’t keep going, I stop, go to my bed to take a nap as long as I need. Girl, get your sleep by any means necessary. Lack of good sleep is also a cause for early death. Get. Your. Sleep!
- F*ck Skinny. Move to Remember You Exist: Babe, listen. I remember back in my 20-30’s I was taking senna tea and intestine cleaning herbs, juice fasting, and following the raw diet, on top of exercising profusely to be a size 6-8. Now, I exercise to be in my body, clear my head, remain mobile, hell, make sure my damn knees still bend! Yes, I want to be in an amazing place in my body, but more importantly, exercise has turned into a mechanism to connect back to me. In my full-time job, I am catering to the needs of faculty, students, staff, and various departments. When I work out whether that is a cycle class, a five-mile beach walk, a treadmill-run, or an African dance class, I use movement to find my center. I am not saying you shouldn’t seek to lose weight, what I am saying is in this time in your life make working out a way of deepening into yourself, grounding, and calming your nervous system.
- Eat Like You Love Yourself: As I continue to do research for the best foods to support this special opportunity as a woman, I am adding things to my diet that support the body. Some current additions are black rice and quinoa, grains that are very high in protein. Black radishes are good for liver health, leveling cholesterol, and managing blood sugar. Beets have become a welcomed addition to my salads helping to reduce inflammation, cell protection, and improving blood flow to the heart and brain. You may not cook, but honey, learn what you like and pick up Pinterest and find recipes that include good foods to support your vitality in this current stage of life. I couldn’t stand quinoa, but I’ve developed ways to make it good to me so that now I prefer it as an addition to nutritious bowls that include fresh greens, a cooked vegetable, and a meat protein of either chicken, fish, seafood, or beef. As your budget allows try to buy organic and grass-fed where you can. All in all, the point here is to start to slowly but resolutely include foods in your diet that are healing, nourishing, and supporting your desired vibrancy.
- Alone Doesn’t Mean Lonely: There was a time not so long ago when I looked for my value in how many people requested my presence. What I couldn’t admit then was that I used them to run away from my life and to steal self-value for sustenance. When relationships began to breakdown over time it became painfully apparent as the rooms thinned and the phone rings went silent, there was a whole woman that I didn’t know. That woman was me. Healing journaling has become my daily lifeline as I am forced to peel back the many layers of friendships, career building, social engagement, and motherhood that kept me occupied from turning the mirror to my own face and heart. Little by little start to embrace the alone time. How ever that looks, journaling, painting, bath time, or turning off your phone and social media, take the time with you. You will find that you are your most valuable resource.
- Feel What You Feel—Out Loud: One of the most freeing things that has happened over the last two years is my giving credence to how I feel. If something feels off or slighting, I admit it to myself, out loud. I let myself say what I don’t like and how it makes me feel. As women we are proselytized to soothe everyone else but ourselves. For me, my inner child is predisposed to abandonment, ghosting, gaslighting, and being treated with second-hand energy. With that in mind, when these feelings come up, I pay attention. When I feel like I want to experience something, I take care to fulfill the emotional request. If I need to step back from a thing, I find the way to do it in honor of my need to replenish. Don’t keep brushing over what you feel. You owe you to stop, reach deep inside, hold it, and roll it over in your hands to mull and come to your next personal decision or emotional elevation.
- Self-Check Is Self-Love: The other side of allowing myself to feel, I also balance with realizing that everything I feel is not necessarily right. I will admit it’s a slippery slope as I navigate old and comfortable narratives, unhealed trauma, and anxiety. Contrary to popular belief, especially in the “spiritual community” every feeling is NOT SPIRIT. Learning to navigate and differentiate old stories is true signs of a grown ass woman, but it is hard because of the comfort that trauma brings, like eating a savory macaroni cheese with extra cheese when looking for reprieve. For me, this self-check drives me to journal, acknowledging feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and fear. Writing and honesty opens up the story narrative. Based on that self-check I am then able to look at my feelings and set them straight. Please don’t waste your time being human, blaming everyone else for the feelings you have. Try to stop popping off, and God forbid you go blaming “Spirit” talking about you had a feeling...STOP. Check your feelings against your narrative. If you find that your feelings and narrative are aligned, it’s highly probable that what you “feel” may be a comfortable story you are nestling into. Who should check you, Boo? Y.O.U.
- Let the Dead Relationships Die: Way too many to name to date, one of the most painful things I’ve experienced was ending relationships that I never thought I could live without. Anger was my first reaction, followed by an understanding of why it needed to end. Now to be very clear, your girl skates on the slippery ice of anger often, because I know what I’ve been to others, and I am angry that I wasted that time. But again, when I am quiet and I look at the course of the relationships and where I am now, there was nowhere for the relationships to go or move forward or invest into the next version of me or them. Slowly I am learning to appreciate the relationship’s start, reflect on how I and they have grown in the tenure, and day by day I am burying the expectations that never had a place or an agreement. Give yourself grace as relationships dissipate in this time of your life. You have to allow mourning for what you thought it would be, who you were in the relationship, and what is no longer.
- Spirituality is Yours. Nobody Else’s: In this stage of my life, I find that I am departing from what I was told “spirituality” is for me. I don’t give a damn who said it, I am understanding that NO ONE can dictate how I work with, deal with, or how I am engaged by Spirit. Spirituality, especially for people of color, have oftentimes been dictated by “authorities” that really and truly can only speak from the limitation of their experience. These experiences are spoken upon as truth, and instead of us trying the Spirit of what was said, we take it as gospel and wonder why it feels ill-fitted like a tight pair of shoes. I have been allowing myself to deviate from the well-versed and repeated to explore what my Spirit is saying and how I am being led. It’s hard being de-programmed but allow yourself to walk into it with an open heart and eyes. Spiritual leaders are guides only, but sometimes you can discover a better way to the same point by yourself- the guide is not always exclusively correct. Guides should lead you to your own Spirit, not to theirs. It’s truly out of order because their spirits are for them- not for you!
- Speak Up With Grace and Steel: I have always admired those, low key, that could pop off or say what needed to be said in the moment so that everyone knows not to try it. I, my friends, am not that person. My upbringing taught that I was bad or wrong, so whatever another person said was right. After words were said where I was the receiver and receptacle, oftentimes I would take their words, digest them, pick myself apart for how many ways I was wrong, and their words became justified as I tried to change because they were the authority. As I am growing in this pivotal phase in my life I am learning the fine balance of hearing, dissecting, evaluating, and then quickly being able to acknowledge where I can do better, but I will not take on additional shit. If something is not tracking for me, I don’t take it on. I am learning to acknowledge how to make things better if needed, but I can also big up myself and give me credit where due. Find a good middle here of acknowledging the points and actions of others while also giving yourself credence and space to also have room at the table. This time of life allows you to slow down in all things. Relish it and take the necessary time to ascertain that you never discount your voice.
- Deepen What Deserves to Stay: All my relationships have undergone transitions, but there are some that I am choosing to deepen because they have truly lasted the test of time and conflicts. My ex-husband used to say that tongue and cheek fight, but they always choose to stay together. As I learn and familiarize myself with my own changes, I have grace for those that I’ve decided to have access to me. I am choosing to help replenish them as I can but making sure my own cups are filled as well. Being grateful for how my current relationships are showing up frees me from the disappointment that expectations can bring. Measure the value of relationships that you decide to keep by the deposit you are left with. It will always be felt in your head, heart, and spirit where you know that they have dropped a piece of them in you and you in them. Its this mutuality, reciprocity, and give and take, that is the determination of the relationships and situations you choose to keep.
Your Turn…
What are your ten realizations in this season of becoming? Because let’s be clear: this chapter isn’t just about surviving physical changes. It’s about claiming your power. About knowing your worth. About shedding what no longer fits and stepping into the truest, boldest, most breathtaking version of you. This isn’t the end. This is the beginning of your second act—and baby, it’s looking mighty magical from here.
With love and a fan for the hot flashes,
Jeanetta