On December 26, I turned 50. And let me tell you—this age didn’t just arrive. It mooshed me right in the face like, “Wake up, lil’ bish.” Fifty wasn’t soft. She came with questions. Heavy ones.
Is this it?
Are you really okay with this?
Her lip curled up just enough to make me check myself. For the sake of this story, let’s call her Grown-Ass Jeanetta (GAJ). Because that’s exactly who showed up—no-nonsense, crystal-clear, and ready to take inventory. And when that 5-0 energy pulled up, it didn't let me look away. It came demanding change, growth, truth. She didn't care what used to be. She held up a mirror and making me compare what I really wanted and what I'd been settling for. Not just once. Every. Damn. Time.
The Wake-Up Call
A situation hit me square in the chest. Long story short: I’d been there for a friend for over ten years. Especially when life got hard during the pandemic—I showed up. But when I needed them? Crickets. Promises broken. Calls ignored. Ghosted until they needed something again. And because I have an entire wardrobe of rose-colored glasses, I picked a pair that helped me rationalize it all. Pretend that the friendship was still mutual. GAJ wasn’t having it. She made me sit down and ask myself one gut-punch question: When have they ever shown up for you the way you’ve shown up for them, really?
It stung. And it wasn’t just about this one relationship. GAJ made me zoom out. She made me audit all my relationships. Some held up—those rare, beautiful mutual connections. But others? The receipts were one-sided. Time, money, energy—given. Return on investment? Slim.
Soft Departures, Loud Truths
As the ground begins to thaw and the trees are starting to bud in preparation for spring and summer, there is something about nature that teaches us how to softly depart from one season into another. No big announcement, just a quiet move from one phase to the next. Once upon a time, I’d rehearse whole speeches before cutting people off. Now? I don’t have the energy. All that buildup just left me stressed and second-guessing. These days, I move with more grace—and way more clarity. If you're being called to reassess where your energy’s going, welcome. You're in season. As you make room for your next level, here are five green flags that it’s okay—necessary, even—to make your soft departure:
- You See the Scales Aren’t Balanced. When the situation hit me between me and a former friend, though I wanted to get upset, my spirit had to sit me down to recount the scales of reciprocity. We as women, especially, have been reared to not keep score and scales. But at this moment, I was forced to pull out the scale and discover, with disheartening sadness, that there had not been mutual reciprocity in the entirety of the relationship. It’s so easy to get caught up in the moments that feel good. But as the adage says, good times don’t last always, and it’s those moments when you need that same relationship to pull up for you. If you can only recount the times that you’ve shown up mostly, and, or, only, it may be time to make a soft departure.
- You Stop Explaining Away the Emptiness. Sometime ago, I had a dream about a friendship that I kept showing up for. In the dream, I was barreling down the highway to visit this friend, waiting and hoping that they would open the door to me. When I got to the door, they opened it slowly and cautiously like I was a stranger. I remember how crestfallen I was in this dream. When I woke up, I sort of knew what it meant, but did not want to admit what was coming. It took me ten years for the dream to come true. I was forced to remember how I was clamoring to call, be available, and to stay relevant to the person as they inched further and further into the background of my life. When time came when I was really in need, as I’d been there for them, they exited, not even answering my phone calls. A 20-year relationship diminished to holiday texts. And soon those stopped only because I stopped answering. Your energy should only go to and be available for those who are actively investing in you as well. There are other people, communities, lovers, and groups that have true genuine space for you! That is what you deserve.
- Your Values Don’t Match Anymore. Over the years I have been a part of various groups, be it religious, dance, or initiative-based organizations. The other day I had the opportunity to attend an event that I used to be a part of early in my 20’s. There was a sense of nostalgia as I remembered the time, energy, and good times shared. As I reflected on the reason for leaving, I had to acknowledge that my needs, way of being, and core values were no longer aligned. The issue about “groups” is that this reality is never taken into consideration upon commitment. No matter how iron-clad a relationship is supposed to be, be it group or individual, when there is a mismatch in vision and alignment, especially if one or both parties are no longer finding value in the other’s presence or contribution in the engagement, a split will and should happen. No relationship, no matter what it is, should require you to push aside who you are and what you need to remain therein. If a person or group is not willing to talk, hear, and account for your values as well, it’s no longer worth seeking to remain a part of that situation.
- You’re Spending More Time With Yourself—and Liking It. When I finally begin to settle into the lessons that COVID came to teach me, I slowly nuzzled into spending more time by myself which only deepened the relationship with me to really hear me for the first time. Up until COVID I leaned, and I mean I leaned on relationships outside of me to direct and tell me what to do. These relationships dictated how I felt about myself and to approve my next steps. In hindsight, that was so much pressure to put on anyone! As relationships begin to fall back and away, the more I came into view. What I liked. What I didn’t like. How I truly felt about things instead of putting “on” and wearing what other people thought. It has been quite an awakening of me to me, the discovery and friendship deepening with myself day by day. Boundaries are increasing. When something hits wrong, it no longer takes me years to call it out, speak up, and make a decision about my continued engagement. To be clear, I am making this sound a lot easier than it is. It has been a hard road. I am alone most days- going on self-dates, spending long moments to and in myself. And to be honest, some days I do experience loneliness, especially when I consider and compare that I once thought was love, company, and friendship. However now, my focus is on rooting that foundational engagement with myself which makes me a conduit for inviting true relationships that are fulfilling, loving, reciprocal, and safe. During this time be okay with spending time alone, embracing your love for you, raising your boundaries, healing your inner child from over giving, compensating, and being!
- You’re Willing to Ask: Why Do I Keep Choosing This? Growing up, I was that little girl that was always looking for acceptance. There were lots of circumstances that made me suspectable and predisposed to people-pleasing that carried well into adulthood. If I’m honest, I still struggle with this balancing act between loving discriminately, showing kindness, and putting up personal boundaries. It is not an easy dance when you have been reared to continue in situations longer than you should because you are in need and that particular situation makes you think it is valuable to you. It is truly a life-long unlearning that I am having to question myself often- if I am being in something because I feel it can’t get no better for me. This is a hard but powerful self-confrontation, but a necessary protection that keeps you monitoring how you show up- not out of spite and suspicion, but a boundary that fiercely protects the little person within. In this time, allow yourself to question your interactions and actions to assure that you, too, are counted, valued, seen, heard, and given space.
The soft departure isn’t about slamming doors. It’s a quiet revolution. A slow closing of access. A sacred reclamation of energy. It whispers, “I’m done investing in what won’t invest back”. Fifty didn’t come to play. She came to align. And if that means walking away softly but surely, then baby, I’m already out the door.
Softly.
Love you real good,
Jeanetta